I depend too much on my partner emotionally: what to do?

For many, love is a mystery. Some consider it a feeling that moves the world, while for others it is an endless principle. From childhood, princess tales teach us that love is the greatest desire of every woman, because only then will they live happily ever after.

The truth is behind that variety of meanings that we give to love, there are misconceptions about it; which leads people to develop what is popularly known as toxic relationships.

Currently, emotional dependence affects a third of couples in Mexico, according to Dr. Noemí Díaz, director of the psychological services of the Faculty of Psychology of the UNAM; so this condition occurs in both women and men. For this reason, it is common for many people to think of a recurring concern: "emotionally, I depend on my partner excessively".

• Related article: "The 6 habits of strong relationships"

Dependence in couple relationships

The word dependent means that it hangs (pending), as a kind of ornament. On the other hand, when we say that we have something pending, it implies that there is something that is incomplete or unfinished, which means that

a person with emotional dependence is one who hangs on another and is emotionally incomplete.

In partner emotional dependence, also known as codependency, the person depends so much on their partner that they perceive the relationship as the only way to personal safety. In this type of relationship, one is usually the "strong" and the other the "weak." The latter tends to manipulate the relationship through his need for his partner. While the strong, the need for him is to be essential, according to Melgosa (2008).

The person who expresses the need for the other is the carrier of a personality prone to addictions, so her partner represents the "drug"; even the absence of it can provoke a withdrawal crisis, so there is a fear of abandonment.

In order to avoid separation, she forgives herself and tolerates everything, despite the fact that the person is not comfortable with the relationship due to having constant arguments, being a victim of abuse, etc. As if that were not enough, she no longer considers her own needs because she seeks to satisfy those of her partner; her intention is that her partner needs her, that she depends on her, because it is the closest thing to affection.

There are times when attempts to be needy don't work, so the next step is usually to provoke pity. The person uses phrases such as: "I love you so much and you don't love me", "after everything I've done for you, and look at how you respond to me", and so on. What is also known as emotional blackmail.

As the person remains trapped in this type of codependent relationship, he will lose his identity, since their behavior reflects the ideas: “without you I am nothing”, “I cannot live without you”, “neither with you nor without you ", etc. For this reason, Bucay (2010) refers that in a codependent relationship there is no love, there is need, dependence, and that is not love.

• You may be interested: "11 characteristic symptoms of emotional codependency"

How the problem originates

As mentioned earlier, emotional dependence involves being emotionally incomplete or incomplete. This is due to an emotional lack or lack of affection in childhood on the part of the most significant people: parents, siblings, uncles, grandparents, or the person closest to the child.

This usually occurs in families where one or both parents worked a lot and were distant even when they were at home; homes where either the father, the mother or the guardian believes that he is doing his job by filling the child with toys. It even happens from the other extreme, with overprotective parents or guardians, where there is excess attention or protection but few expressions of affection.

However, the lack of affection can also be caused by the death of one or both significant others, divorce, or having been a victim of domestic violence. The key is that in the child's life there were seldom hugs, kisses, expressions of affection, if not ever. All this generates insecurity and low self-esteem.

In such a way that when growing up, the person enters a constant search for social approval, always trying to please others to avoid rejection even at the expense of her own dignity. Perhaps as a child you learned that in order to be loved you have to meet the expectations of other people, just as at the time you tried to fulfill the expectations of significant others.

Finally, when choosing a partner, he unconsciously follows the same pattern, as if he chose them on purpose, which means that the person with emotional dependence is generally attracted to those with a narcissistic personality who play a role in the relationship dominant; while the other person adopts the submissive posture seeking to please to receive love. In this way they complement each other, producing a toxic or codependent relationship.

I depend on my partner: what to do to solve it?

If you find yourself trapped in a codependent relationship and really want to get out, here are a number of rescue strategies:

1. Seek professional help

The first step is to be aware that you have a problem. Perhaps so far your relationships have not worked, but on the other hand you cannot stand being single. Remember that only you are responsible for yourself, so start taking care of yourself by seeking psychological help. The psychotherapist will help you address those incomplete emotional needs.

• Related article: "How to find a psychologist to attend therapy: 7 tips"

2. End that relationship that hurts you

You have two options: continue to suffer for love or rebuild the path by resuming the foundations: work on your self-esteem as your most important project, heal the wounds of the past and find the well-being that you deserve.

It probably sounds easy, but it is a process in which you have to go step by step; only in this way will your future relationships be different. But it all starts with a decision.

3. Learn to be alone or alone

Set aside time to be alone with yourself, doing activities such as going to a cafe, a restaurant, a movie, etc. Learn to enjoy the occasional solitude. Have a date with the best company, with yourself. The others are just passing through.

What's more, recognize your resources to find solutions to everyday problems. Trust your judgment.

4. Write yourself a letter of reconciliation

This is a symbolic activity in which you recount what you have been through in your relationships previous and you do not want to happen again, because you have made the decision to leave it behind and start new.

It is important that you include in the letter that you forgive yourself for the bad decisions that have hurt you. Make a commitment to yourself in which your well-being will be your priority from now on and you will protect yourself from anything that could hurt you. Finally, once you finish the letter, read it out loud and save it so that you can access it in times of weakness and remember your commitment to yourself.

Get back to healthy activity

Exercise, join the gym; make changes in your diet towards the healthy; resume your favorite hobbies; go for a walk; travels. These are just some examples that you can put into practice to recover your life, focus on what you like and regain self-confidence.

Loving yourself as a solution

Love in relationships begins with oneself. When you don't have love for yourself, the only thing you can offer is dependence, because you need the other's attention to be happy. On the other hand, when each member of the relationship enjoys a healthy self-esteem, there is no room for dependency, because both are emotionally complete.

Love as a couple is knowing that you can be happy without the other and vice versa, and yet they choose each other. So love is something positive, wonderful for them, without the need to suffer.

Bibliographic references:

• Bucay, J. (2010). The path of self-reliance. México, D.F.: Express Ocean.
• Fiz, J. (October 10, 2017). Aleteia. Retrieved on December 26, 2018, from Aleteia: https://es.aleteia.org/2017/10/10/la-dependencia-emocional-de-pareja-comienza-en-la-ninez/.
• Guerri, M. (2017). Psychoactive. Retrieved on December 26, 2018, from Psicoactiva: https://www.psicoactiva.com/blog/la-codependencia/.
• Melgosa, J. (2008). How to Have a Healthy Mind. Madrid: Safeliz.
• Sánchez, C. (February 15, 2018). El Nuevo Herald. Retrieved on December 26, 2018, from El Nuevo Herald: https://www.elnuevoherald.com/vivir-mejor/en-familia/article200003319.html.