Coaching and partner: the focus on oneself and on the bond

The couple is a process And as such, you need to update your links to adapt to new situations and challenges. If the individual processes monopolize the attention of each one, increasingly divergent paths are generated in which the original meaning is lost and the couple dissolves.

In this sense, coaching is not only effective as an individual process, but also for the couple.

• Related article: "The 6 types of Coaching: the different coaches and their functions"

Couples coaching: for a greater well-being of the relationship

This week Lluis Casado, psychologist coach professor of the Postgraduate Course in Coaching Psychology of the Institute of Psychological Assistance and Psiquiátrica Mensalus, talks about the importance of matching the rhythm of individual growth with the growth of the partner.

From the vision of couple coaching, what concept do we start from?

Two people establish a relationship when they build a bond (the we) that responds to their needs of the moment. Likewise, people change throughout our lives as a consequence of life cycle reasons, whether they are biological, social, psychological or even accidental. Therefore, the original link, if it does not evolve, becomes obsolete.

The couple is a process and, as such, you need to update your ties to adapt to the new situations that appear over the years.

So what happens to the couple who don't update their bond?

If that happens, the original bond can become an obstacle to individual development and development. couple development. In addition, if the individual growth rate is not the same, this difference can give rise to a couple asynchronous where it becomes difficult to update the link (expectations and needs of both parties are different).

Therefore, the harmonious growth of the couple requires rhythmic individual growth. Now, this evolution is not so simple. Let's not forget that we are talking about the growth processes of two autonomous people and the construction of new bonds of interdependence.

What elements come into play in the individual growth process?

People behave according to guidelines, habits, personal style, beliefs, values, relational ties, emotional experiences, identity and life script in transactional terminology. In stable situations our behaviors are adaptive and our relationships satisfactory.

When we find ourselves in a situation of idealization, everything goes well and therefore we do not see the need to change. In the case of the couple we are in the phase of falling in love. But this idyllic well-being situation is artificial in the medium term since people change internally in the same way that our environment also changes. Sometimes it is difficult for us to take a step and evolve, we cling to that well-being experienced in a first phase and disconnect from the current moment.

What does couple coaching work in this regard?

From the coaching we aim for both members to reflect on their role within the couple relationship so that, later, they find those common points that direct them towards new shared goals of change and evolution.

And what kind of work are we talking about?

We refer to the three-stage work. The first stage of the couple coaching process corresponds to awareness. Each member needs a space to become aware of where she is and how she feels with the other person.

Couples arrive with a reason for consultation related to the complaint, the difficulty of being heard, of being respected, etc. The request refers to the other more than to oneself. Precisely, in this first stage of work it is essential to realize what the individual role is and its consequences.

Once the two are located, it is time to take responsibility. In the second stage of the coaching process there are three key questions:

• What change am I responsible for?
• What do I have to contribute to the relationship?
• What can I ask of the other? / How can I help you to take responsibility?

What is worked from these answers?

Among the aspects that we analyze, we pay special attention to how each person receives the request of others. It is interesting to observe how the request arrives and "resonates" in the individual. The associated thoughts and feelings will offer a wide range of meanings that will favor the taking of mutual responsibility, information that is usually clouded by discussions and little conversations. constructive.

And what is the last stage?

The third stage is action. The coach brings the couple closer to change based on the following questions:

• What will i do?
• What will you do?
• What will we do together?

As we can see, when working on all these aspects it is important to keep the focus on oneself, the other and the bond. This is something that does not always happen in the real life of the couple. The coach is in charge of helping to keep all the focuses active, otherwise, the work done throughout the sessions will be in vain.

In short, how can we understand the growth of the couple?

The growth of the couple is the permanent search for the bond that, in the "here and now", allows maximum personal development together with the other. The bond is, at the same time, the shared goal and the means that facilitates the greatest individual development. Actually, highly developed couples use the growth of the couple as a catalyst for individual growth, since they take full advantage of the synergy of interdependence as opposed to the blockage that the relationship of dependence.