How to emotionally manage infidelity

One of the main reasons for consultation of people who go to couples therapy is infidelity. This phenomenon occurs relatively frequently in society, and couples increasingly go to the Psychode Institute with this reason for consultation.

Discover an infidelity can have devastating effects on couples: trust problems, jealousy, frequent arguments, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. Different relationship dynamics are created that destabilize the members of the couple, the couple itself and even the family environment.

• Related article: "What does science reveal about infidelity?"

The challenge: overcome an infidelity

When a couple in this situation asks us for help, the crisis that originated can even generate doubts about breaking the relationship. At other times, although they are sure they want to stay together, they are unable to get close emotionally. And this is where the work of the professional comes in.

The psychologist is an expert person, emotionally detached from the problem, whose objective is to help rebuild trust in the relationship and the feeling of togetherness and complicity that was broken with the infidelity.

The couples therapist has an objective view of the problem, does not make moral judgments or seek guilty parties. Analyze the situation and use scientifically proven techniques to help the couple.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

Why are we unfaithful?

The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In recent research by IPSOS, among the reasons respondents gave were: experience something different when having an affair, take revenge for a previous infidelity of your partner, convince yourself that you really want to be with your partner or ignite the spark in your own relationship.

But the main reason they stated was "Gain self-confidence." This is the most important reason why people cheat, more often than the boredom of the routine of a stable relationship.

In our current society, seduction and the fact of liking others is highly valued. Infidelity covers the need for admiration that many people have. It helps them to have more self-confidence and improve their self-esteem.

The game of seduction traps and hooks the person. At first the person begins the game of "fooling around", without thinking that anything serious is going to come up. But little by little he gets hooked on that booster dose that the other gives him. He feels very good knowing that he likes and seduces and he does not want to stop feeling it, for that reason he continues with the game, which becomes more and more addictive.

This reinforcement of self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of the other, but is largely created by oneself. Seducing implies exhibiting the most beautiful part of oneself and this is where we fall into the trap: you get hooked on the feeling of feel like a "seducer", you get the best of yourself to captivate the other person and then "wham!" the crush arises, you enchant yourself same / a. It is a feeling that you had forgotten with your usual partner, because you no longer have to conquer her.

Latent love problems

At other times, we find infidelity as a means to an end. That is to say, it is through her, the way that the person has of express discomfort in your relationship with your partner.

There are couples who have problems and do not talk about it, because it seems that "if they are not talked about it is as if they do not exist". They grow apart over time and do nothing to solve it, they simply let go. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful is usually the starting point to start talking about problems and solving them. It would be something like "hitting rock bottom" and then resurfacing.

These people go to couples therapy and their first reason for consultation is to overcome infidelity, but this is only the starting point. When this is accomplished and there is reconciliation, It is time to start working on all those aspects that were failing in the couple and that they are the ones that have led one of them to be unfaithful.

• You may be interested: "Emotional blocks: what are they and how can we overcome them?"

"Will I be able to forgive an infidelity?"

This is one of the questions most often asked by people who have been betrayed when they go to therapy on the first day. They say things like: "I would like to forgive, but I don't know if I will be able because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like that."

It is normal to have doubts about whether they will be able to forgive and that everything will go back to the way it was before. Infidelity destabilizes the relationship, generates conflicts, makes you lose trust in the other and breaks the feeling of togetherness and intimacy. Fortunately, all of this can be recovered with the help of a professional.

The person who has been deceived feels humiliated, betrayed and defenseless in the face of the situation. He usually feels a lot of anger, rage and feelings of revenge towards the other and believes that these feelings will never change, so he feels that he will not be able to forgive.

All people are capable of forgiving. Some people forgive easily and others find it more difficult. The ease of forgiveness It is also related to what “the infidel” does to be forgiven, the severity of the infidelity and how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was something confessed or not). In the clinic we always find obstacles that prevent the reunion.

Go beyond resentment

One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who has felt betrayed, because while this emotion is at stake, it is difficult to move forward.

The sessions are not easy. It is not about telling ourselves positive things or remembering that we love each other and thinking that this will solve it. It is a much deeper work, of emotional unblocking, of adjusting beliefs, installing new interpretations to re-create the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and trust is installed again. Each session is different, in some sessions you work with the two members of the couple at the same time and in others separately.

The ultimate goal is to walk together again and that the couple “reinvent themselves” after this crisis, in such a way that at the end of the therapy, both feel that they are not They have only gotten over infidelity, but have healed past hurts and grown as individuals and as a couple.

From the Psicode Institute, after 12 years of work helping couples, we encourage them to experience the benefits of couples therapy before deciding to end their relationship. 90% of the couples who come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in such a situation, you will find the contact details of the Psicode Institute at this link.