My partner is too selfish: what to do?

A good part of the problems that arise in couple relationships arise from asymmetric relationships: that is, those in which there is a part that gives more than it receives.

These asymmetries can take many forms: sometimes there are complaints produced by the jealousy that one of the people feels when seeing that she does not can control the other, sometimes they appear from emotional dependence and the need to have the constant approval of the other, etc. In any case, one of the most common formulas used by those who go to psychotherapy to treat this discomfort is: "I feel like my partner is too selfish".

In this article we will see what problems are hidden behind these kinds of complaints, and what can be done to face and overcome them.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

The selfish couple: a phenomenon more complex than it seems

One of the most studied phenomena in the field of psychology is what we call "fundamental attribution error." This psychological phenomenon can be understood as a bias, that is, a distorted way of interpreting reality that, despite being irrational, is frequent in our way of thinking.

The fundamental attribution error consists of the following: we attribute the behavior of others to "their way of being", something like their essence as individuals, while when interpreting what one does, We take into account the circumstances that have led to this action and, in general, the context that has influenced; that is to say, the external to us.

People who repeatedly come to the conclusion that their partner is selfish often do so driven by this bias; they assume that those attitudes and behaviors they see in the other reveal their true personality, with all that this implies. Thus, pessimistic thoughts arise about the future of the relationship and its viability..

As in almost all the cognitive distortions in which we frequently fall, there is nothing to indicate that the fundamental attribution error leads us to make mistakes whenever it appears. Although it serves to simplify reality, sometimes it is correct, and although no behavior can be explained as if people were totally disconnected from their environment, it is possible to reach the reasoned decision that it is not worth assuming all the sacrifices involved in helping that person to change.

Ultimately, the fundamental attribution error is a "shortcut" that allows us to reach conclusions in a relatively simple, and that sometimes it so happens that they are what best help us to understand what is happening... but sometimes, no. That is why many times, if the relationship is not totally toxic and clearly harms one or both parties, it is worth examining what is really beyond that superficial thought from "my partner is selfish."

What to do if your partner behaves selfishly

These are some aspects that I advise you to take into account to manage problems of this kind in your love life.

1. Go from noun to verb

Remember that if you want to face the problem from a constructive perspective, you have to reject the idea that selfishness is part of the essence of your partner; If not, all the explanations we create to describe what happens will be circular and will only generate more hostility and frustration: he acts like someone selfish because he is selfish, and vice versa.

Instead, focus on behavior, those concrete actions that take place in time and space. The person is not selfish, he behaves selfishly.

In this way, we will already be clear about what needs to be changed: the lack of involvement in the tasks. home, the tendency to complain if the weekend plan that the other person wants is not chosen, etc. With a specific goal in sight, solutions can be sought; without it, nothing can be done.

• You may be interested: "The 5 reasons why partner jealousy appears"

2. Put yourself in the other person's shoes

This may be a no-brainer, but in situations like this, where there is open or latent conflict, many people forget what it means to put themselves in the shoes of the other. It does not mean letting him talk about how he feels and then getting defensive about the accusations we detect among his words; it implies understand your side of the story and connect that knowledge with what we know about that person's values, priorities, and fears.

This does not mean agreeing with it, nor does it mean that it is morally excusable; it is understand the logic behind their actions and feelings. Only if we do this will we have a basis to make an informed decision whether there are possibilities to readjust that relationship or whether it is better to end it.

Of course, we must insist that in extreme cases in which there is abuse, the priority is not to understand what is happening, but to get to safety.

3. Agree on changes in habits that affect both of you

Even if you have come to the conclusion that most of the problematic behaviors appear on the part of your partner and not by you On the other hand, it is better to apply behavior correction proposals that commit both of you (although not to the same extent), and not only to the other. That way you will be motivating each other to contribute more to the relationship, on the one hand, and to appreciate these behavioral changes and facilitate them maintaining a constructive attitude, on the other.

4. Go to couples therapy

Couples therapy is a highly recommended environment in which to treat these kinds of problems. Psychologists often work with problems that are not in a single person, but rather they arise in the interaction between boyfriends, between husband and wife, etc.

Not only is it offered the possibility of expressing oneself openly with the support of someone who arbitrates and does not judge or take sides on one side; In addition, programs for modifying habits and thinking patterns are applied to turn the couple relationship into a fertile ground in which love is reinforced, where it is possible.

5. Before the break, avoid revenge

The break should not be interpreted as a failure yesTaking into account the cost of staying in the relationship longer, we have given you an opportunity to improve.

But once it occurs, it is not advisable to "cut" using the situation as a personal revenge; Not only will it cause unnecessary harm to the other person, but it can also install us in beliefs that cause us even more discomfort. The fact that we have harmed our ex-partner usually makes us have more reasons to accumulate a grudge towards her.

Looking for professional help?

If you are considering going to a psychologist to address this or other types of problems, I propose that contact me to have a first therapy session. I am a psychologist specialized in cognitive-behavioral therapy and third generation therapies, and I serve both individual patients and couples. You can find me both in my therapy center located in Almería and through my online therapy services wherever you are.

Bibliographic references:

• Albuquerque, J.P. (2017). Family, family conflicts and mediation. Publishing Ubijus. Mexico.
• Biscotti, O. (2006). Couples Therapy: a systemic view. Buenos Aires: Lumen.
• Fisher, H. (2006). Anatomy of Love - a Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
• Morgan, J.P. (1991). What is codependency? Journal of Clinical Psychology 47 (5): pp. 720 - 729.