What is done in couples therapy applied to infidelity crisis?

Couple crises triggered by one or more infidelities are one of the most common causes for which people seek professional psychological help. And is not for less; It is estimated that in the average relationship there is approximately a 25% probability that at least one infidelity will occur, at least in Western societies.

But despite the fact that in recent years couples therapy has become increasingly “mainstream”, in the sense that going to to professionals who are experts in this field, the normal thing is that even those who have already decided that they will attend a first session do not know very well what awaits them throughout a therapeutic process of this type, and even less if the problem to be treated has to do with someone being unfaithful. Therefore, in this article we will see a summary of what is done in couples therapy applied to the crisis of infidelity.

• Related article: "The 9 types of infidelity and their characteristics"

What is done in problem-oriented couples therapy for infidelity?

These are the main key ideas you should know to understand what is done in couples therapy in the face of an infidelity crisis.

1. Redirect the problem to the facts, not the people

One of the key aspects of couples therapy has to do with not focusing on the "ways of being" of the people, but in the patterns of behavior that each one reproduces, and in how these shape the relationship. That is speaking from an essentialist perspective is avoided (for example, assuming that the ways of behaving of each one directly reflect her identity, which are in reality), because this way of being things does not allow to improve and / or repair damage wherever possible.

To achieve this, the therapy sessions apply techniques designed so that each one stops assuming that they know the other and who knows oneself, to go on to directly analyze behavior patterns and draw conclusions from them facts.

2. Detect problems in context

Not all problem behaviors are well explained by focusing on the individual; many times, it is necessary give as much or more importance to the context in which the behaviors and interactions between the partners take place.

In fact, it is not uncommon for the main trigger for infidelity and The consequent crisis is not so much in the relationship as in something that exists independently of her. And even when the trigger is mostly in the relationship, many times it is about aspects to which that neither of them had given them importance until that moment, and of which it does not cost much break off.

3. Seek reparation, not penance

Couples therapy is not a place to go to show the other person that we are right by putting the psychologist or psychologist on our side. In any case, it seeks to find a balance of honesty and commitment that has been broken (or perhaps it has never existed) and, when it is not possible, to give way to the rupture without causing major damage. And this happens by openly acknowledging that the other person has been harmed, in one case, and that the other person has harmed us, on the other.

Of course, it must be clear that in cases of infidelity, it is an essential requirement that before starting couple therapy the affective / sexual contacts with the third person have already stopped.

• You may be interested in: "The 8 benefits of online couples therapy"

4. Adopt new communication dynamics

It is important to make adjustments in the dynamics of interaction that have to do with communicating the need for affection, for physical proximity. If not, it is easy for taboo topics to appear that only serve to build up the frustration of not being able to behave and speak normally. This happens, as we have seen, by repairing the damage done. as far as possible and for the reconstruction of the commitment.

5. Examine possible grounds for self-sabotage

In affective relationships, self-sabotage is relatively common, and many times this leads to harming the other person for not having thought enough about the consequences of our actions. That is why, in couples therapy, you learn to detect and identify as such those thoughts that can serve as a self-excuse to increase the possibility of committing infidelity. And, in such cases, you can think about what it is that has triggered that thought or feeling.

Bibliographic references:

• Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31: pp. 217 - 233.
• Buss, D. M.; Haselton, M. (2005). The Evolution of Jealousy. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9 (11): pp. 506 - 507.
• Christensen, A.; Atkins, D.C.; Yi, J.; Baucom, D.H. & George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. J Consult Clin Psychol. 74(6):1180-91.
• Dattilio, F.M. & Padesky, C.A. (2004). Cognitive therapy with couples. Bilbao: Editorial Desclée De Brouwer.
• González López, L. (2016) Manual on mistrust in the couple. The me, the other and the us. Editorial Avanza Psicología.
• Lopez-Cantero, E. (2018). The Break-Up Check: Exploring Romantic Love through Relationship Terminations. Philosophia (Ramat Gan), 46 (3): pp. 689 - 703.